Wednesday, May 10, 2006

What matters most for Jan

What matters most in your life, Jan? Some time ago, whenever I was asked this question, I used to go for the comfortable answer that it depended on the circumstances of my life at the moment. But you don't think so, and I agree. What matters most in life, you say is a matter of choice not of circumstances. This choice -you emphasized- comes from within, it reveals the true desires and values of your heart. Choices based on circumstances reveal a fickle soul, and you have decided that you will not be so. It is true, you didn't used these words I am using in this blog, and it took more than 30 minutes to translate, but your ideas came crystal clear for me.

Living in hospitals for 87 days in a row has certainly changed you Jan. Your physical substance seems to have diminished, you lost weight, your right side gives you grief; nevertheless, your mind and your heart seem to have expanded, they feel more coherent with your views and more complete, in spite of the apparent contradiction if you consider your physical challenges; this is a true paradox. But you have always been paradoxical.

What struck me tonight was the certainty of your faith, the depth of your convictions, the strong belief that God knows what s/he is doing, therefore, there is no need to fear or to worry. I know most of us say the same things when we are in a good frame of mind, but as soon as trouble comes, we quickly recant, doubt, blame, fill with anger and ask incessantly: why? why? why? I don't know any other person in a tight place like the one you find yourself in right now: tested to the limit mentally and physically, using the portion left of your brain to not only find the strength to go on healing and recovering what you can in spite of all the diagnosis to the contrary, forced to give up your job when all of your life you have worked, forced to give up your family and home life for an impersonal hospital room, forced to slow down, to speak less, to believe more. What is your core made out of that not even a bleed in your brain and all of the negative resulting circumstances can tempt you to give up, to become bitterm, to be cynical? Instead, in your slow voice, and fractured words, you clearly talk about your choices: you choose life, you choose thankfulness, you choose to believe that God is taking care of you.

I admire your soul and your faith. This was the spark that made my love catch fire for you. A real person, with no shadow of pretense. I know what matters most to you Jan and I baske in the strength of your faith.

Tonight you were frustrated for not finding the words for your shopping list for the occupational therapy class tomorrow. You told me that you needed to make a shopping list. You already had: meat, spices, oil, frying pan, rice and could not find the word broccoli! How frustrating to be able to see the picture in your mind and not be able to describe it. But this did not stop you from finding the right word. This is a new addition in your personality: patience.

What will the future bring? You don't know but you know who will be by your side. Thank you Jan for such a precious lesson.

-Fede

No comments: