Friday, August 04, 2006

Wounded

Dearest Jan,

Everytime I think we are making progress, I have to brace myself, because, often you or I will slip into doubt, sadness or pain, or just plain depression. This is a dialectic path -opposite ideas engaging in the search for truth-. But, the truth is not found in the ideas themselves or in their resolution. The truth of our trusting and then doubting; rejoicing and then grieving; is external to us both, it is hidden in the hands of God, the very same hands on which our lives and their meaning are carved.

The verb "see" in Hebrew, is the same as "experience". I see His work in your body, how in the hidden parts of your brain, quietly He is reconstructing new paths, reconnecting ideas to words, writing new neuro-programs so your mouth expresses these words. Above all, I can see the changes in your personality and spirituality, although I can't really understand the extent of them. I see the effects of what you experience. I experience the new Jan, sometimes with glee, sometimes with gloom. Seeing your progress leads me to a new level of seeing or experiencing God. For this, I am grateful even in the middle of the pain I feel when I see you suffering.

However, we both are wounded.

The truth is that we have been streched to our limits beyond the breaking point. The truth is that we have received strength to persevere. The truth is that this tremendous challenge has made us grow. True, in a paradoxical way we are blessed. But all these truths do not diminish in the least the pain we feel constantly. It is like the "Ilizarov" device used to grow bones, that keep "breaking" the bone millimitre by millimitre, to force it to grow.

Yesterday you were grieving your losses: you can't write, you can't read, you can't talk as before. You were feeling that your life was going to be short.

I listened carefully, feeling the pain of every word. I tried in vain to comfort you.

You said: "What good is it to live like this? I'm not good here anymore!" But you also said: "I know that He's been right next to me all this time. Maybe He just wants me to go to His real world".

What could I say? No, please don't leave me. Surely, God doesn't want that!

Instead, I just put my hand on your good arm, and with sadness in my eyes, I remained silent by your side.



-Fede

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