Thursday, November 15, 2007

Core commitments

Life is an emotional ride.

The ride has been full of emotions. Everyone who knows Jan, knows that one of her essential methods of expressing life is through emotion. Ironically, in this healing stage, emotion seems multiplied. The medication (Jan is now testing her 10th. medication), together with the rebuilding of the neuropaths is creating this effect of magnifying a set of already strong emotions. So, on a clear day, you can see Jan extremely happy, or extremely frustrated, or extremely sad. In between, there are days when in a lethargic state, she will just let things go by.

I don't fit the regular stereotype of a happy Mexican. Somewhow I learned very well to keep my emotions under control and to keep them to myself. So life is not as emotional when i am by myself. Jan bring this to my life. She has plenty of emotions, enough to last for a life time for the two of us. Someone once told me that "she wears her emotions on her sleeve", I find that a very accurate description of her. But, if she wears her emotions so much on the surface, I wonder where do I wear mine? in my socks?

Have these emotions affected our core commitments? Sometimes, in the heat of an emotional outburst, I hear her frustration with my limited ability to be there for her, with my shying away from her need and pain, with my inability to embrace her when she is in pain or feeling dyzzy and confused. Then, I hear her say: I can't go on anymore! When this happens, I struggle in my soul with my own feelings of inadequacy and selfishness.

A recurrent question I ask myself when I am in the dungeon is: what do I expect from a relationship with Jan?

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