Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Eve

The old is gone, the new is starting. Old what? new what?

My wife still carries in her brain that old scar from an aneurysm, she also carries in her heart the renewed hope that things are getting better for her. Her brain is doing the incredible job of re-writing by itself, without any previous training or rehearsal, all the programs that control the functions she lost. In a very real way, the design of her brain is new.

In another way, her character is the same. Her foibles are aggravated by her illness. Her short term memory is too short, the master filter for emotions is still not fully functional, her sight is diminishing. The old groves carved in her brain by years of repeating the same behaviors, beliefs and choices are too deep to be changed even by an aneurysm.

My faith in Christ tells me that we are transformed from the inside out when we believe in his words. The old nature based on self-gratification and disobedience is changed, a new person starts growing in our core because we have been put right with God. This brings clarity to my purpose and a clear map for how to live my life. This movement from darkness into light is so radical that it is equated to having a second birth. If I live by these convictions, I am a new person. The old is left behind, the new takes over progressively until all of me is new.

Jan also believes this. However, the effects of the aneurysm pushed her renewal process back. Some days I see her behaviour similar to that of a little 3 year-old girl. Old ways of reacting, of relating, of believing crop up and the lovely, mature and intelligent woman I married disappear.

Aphasia, lack of control over emotions, old beliefs, make me think about this movement from the old to the new. I pray that my wife sheds the old and dresses herself with the new. This is my hope in a new year.

FC

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Polar Express

A dear friend invited us to get together to have a DVD night and watch together the Polar Express. At the door he greeted us with a conductor's hat calling out: aaall aboard!.

Five of us watched the movie with delight. Each had received a non-transferable ticket, just like in the movie.

At the end, our friend came and “punched-out” our tickets. Inside of each ticket there was a personal secret word, -a message to each of us- We proceeded to share our secret word and what how it spoke to our realities. I must say that it was one of the most fascinating and intimate experiences I have had in a long time.

Each took a turn to talk about our fears, doubts and struggles and of course about our secret word: courage, endurance, trust, believe, and peace. We reminded each other of profound truths and listened care-fully where we stood in relation to the light of life Christmas bring to us. One by one, confirmed that friendship is the best gift we can ever get.

We talked about the journey, the many voices along the trip that are given to us to help and guide until we reach our destination. We acknowledged that our lives are not only about peace without strife, light without shadows, happiness without pain and tears, trust without doubt, courage without fear. Each of these are the two sides of our experiences and provide the necessary background for us to understand the meaning of living in the light.

The night was short. However, I felt as if I had been in a long journey with my precious friends. I sensed a special closeness and camaraderie with my friends, the kind soldiers feel after months of fighting shoulder to shoulder, or the athletes have after sharing hundreds of hours of training together.

We went home, but somehow I didn’t leave behind any of my friends. I brought them with me in my heart. I know we journey together to the same destination, having to think each one on the meaning we must discover in the secret words written in out tickets.


FC

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

No More Gloom!

No more gloom! ...a light has dawned...to us a child is born!!! (Isa.9:1-7), the preacher read with passion, in direct competition with the myriad voices and songs flooding us this season.

Imagine -he said- if this passage from Isaiah filled the headlines and the prime-time news, the same that have convinced us that we are in for a spin, a slow down, a depression of the economy that should also depress us psychologically.

The original audience of Isaiah had reason to feel gloomy. Theirs was a failed nation about to be sent into exile. Yet, in the middle of all this hopelessness and despair, the Lord announces a rescue plan -not like the one being cooked for Wall Street or the auto industry. (We were at a Christmas concert put together by a small neighbourhood church in the west-most suburbs of the city.)

This rescue plan is for total change. This is a transformation from the inside out. This is a plan to rescue us from our own darkness that has spread to the whole creation, a rescue plan that would cost a precious life. This unique life began as a small light, the size of a baby born to a young woman in a stable... This life

I had enough losses over the past 34 months to feel gloomy for a life time. However, I choose to feel thankful, to let that light come into my darkness and change it from the inside out.

My struggle is fought on a day to day basis, where the remnants of my shadow insinuate me to fall into despair, doubt, hopelessness, feeling victimized and powerless, fill my heart with fear and desire to escape. Here is where I take a stand for light and the beautiful life it reveals.

Would you join me in this celebration of light of life?




FC

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The gooder days and the badder days

As the closest person to Jan, the greatest challenge I have is to keep a healthy balance between my emotions and my commitments. We have told each other repeatedly that we will stick together through the thick and thin of this lengthy process of healing. I have told her many times that I love her no matter what. I think that we like each other most of the time. Nevertheless, there are times when I ask myself what did I get into?; how am I going to make it one, two, three or more years?; how can I be there for her in a way that she recognizes it as caring?; where will I find the fortitude of spirit that this requires?.

This week seems to be one of the badder times. I allowed the difficulties in our communications, get in the way of responding to her needs in a positive and validating way.

I recognize something that people call destiny: from the depths of God's love, I was destined to partake of this bitter cup with Jan. I have grown as a man, she has grown as a woman. Both have grown as children of God.

This week seems to be appropriate to be in expectation of something to happen that will lessen the pain... a star shining over a small town, a child being born to save and heal, a light to stop forever death and darkness.

In the middle of my darkness, I search for light in the face of a child.


FC

Sunday, December 07, 2008

The effects of a seizure

Jan had another seizure yesterday (Saturday). This is the first one that happened during the night. I didn't know about it until the morning, when she called me with a weakened voice that revealed the seizure. Usually, she loses consciousness for about 30 minutes and for the next 6 to 12 hours she feels very weak, her speech is greatly affected and her mobility reduced.

The image I get is like the one I saw in the hospital, a month after the stroke. My feelings go aback to the feelings I had in those early days. I thought that with time I would become used to seeing her struggle with less functions and energy as she continues to heal; but every time she has a seizure, I silently groan swamped by an endless feeling of powerlessness.

I pray for help, for strength, but I feel my prayers don’t go past the roof. Where does this end? I ask, if there was a lesson on brokenness and being humble, I already am on the floor! How much lower do I have to go?

Then, I read in the kitchen wall a sign: “I can do all things in Christ”.

I pick the pieces of my broken self and go back to help Jan tie her shoes, because she wants to go to the garage...


FC