Sent by her aunt to the emergency room of the Veteran's Memorial Hospital in Orillia, Jan had to end abruptly her plan to have a quiet by herself. Monday morning, she seemed disoriented and without balance. They thought it was a stroke so they rushed her to the hospital. She spend a few hours there, then, the ER staff decided she was suffering from dizziness because of an internal ear malfunction, not because of her brain and discharged her with some medication for vertigo. Mom picked her up late in the afternoon and took her with her to her place where they spent the night.
The next day they went to Uncle Lorn's to get a ride to TO. He was making the trip to see a trailer north of the city. They arrived in TO in the afternoon; Jan looked relaxed although the vertigo was visible and her speech was hard to understand. We had lunch together and then Uncle Lorn and his wife left. Jan slept the rest of the day, and much of the following days.
The Saturday, after having a strong emotional reaction, I took her to the emergency room at Toronto Western. The neurologist gave Jan a test sitting her and then asking her to drop on her back into his hands, where he turned her head quickly to one side and then the other. He said that the problem was something in the inner ear, floating and exciting the nerves sending the wrong signals to the brain and producing the vertigo. This should fix by itself in a few days or a few weeks. So she was back home the same day, feeling the same despite the answers.
The following week We went to see Dr.F. Haq, the replacement for the family doctor, to whom Jan has taken a liking (Jan has become a bit selective). She ordered Jan to stop the vertigo medication immediately, and ask Jan to follow up on the MRI at Sunnybrook since they are the only one who do this on Jan. In the past we have fought long battles with the radiologists at TO Western where they refuse to do an MRI because her operation notes do not indicate the type and serial number of the clip Jan has in her brain. So, every time she needs an MRI, we have to go to the hospital where she had her operation.
Jan is still dizzy, she has not had her scan done yet, we don't know why she is not feeling better after the seizure over a week ago, we don't know if something else is going on in there, we don't what all this means. Are these the blunt strokes of God's chisel on our lives? Are we being shaped into better persons through this pain? what if in the process of being perfected we are destroyed?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
A wedding and a seizure
Yes, big events have a way of flocking together into our lives like Canadian geese. Except, for us there is no migration out of the cold. At least, no yet.
I went camping with Jan on Sep 12, to be at John and Carol's wedding. This was happening at a camp next to Bass Lake. John, Jan's Dad, is in his early seventies, but that was of no significance for him and his bride to be to married at the beach in picnic shelter at Camp Lake Bass. Beautiful setting, but I had only seen young people do this back in the 1960s. Anyway, maybe this was for them a trip to the "good'old" days. Kind'a romantic, in a way.
We pulled into the camp Friday night, and with some difficulty, and lots of help from Jan and Mom, I was able to set the tent and get the things ready for the night. I could not find the matches to start the fire, so we went to Dad's camping place to share the warmth around the fire. After a while, we went back to our camping spot and started our attempt at having a reasonable night's sleep. It didn't work. I didn't have a pillow, so, I could nor find the right position to fall asleep. Turned and turned until I lost consciousness. Jan got chilled all through the night, in spite of lots of blankets and sleeping bags. Not a good sleep for both.
In the morning, feeling damp and smelly, I wanted to take a shower. Jan knew where the showers were but could not tell me, she was having problems with her speech. Jan has been camping in this park since she was little. With no more directions that "follow the path" (I noticed that there were more than a dozen paths), I went on in my adventure. It was around 8am. and Jan looked tired, not having slept well. It took me about a half hour to find the showers, and then, I quickly used a very wet and impractical shower room. Even though my clothes were hanging on a hook on the wall, the got wet. I put on my soggy clothes and found my way back.
When I arrived at the camp site I found Jan on the ground under the cherry tree in front of the car. She was semi-unconscious laying on her right side. I knew immediately that she had had a seizure while I was gone. I felt upset with myself for leaving her alone. If I had been here... but I know well that nothing would have been different, except that we may have had a chance to go back to the tent before the onset of the seizure. She was grunting. How quickly dignity and propriety dissapear in these circumstances. I Took her head and placed it in my left arm while I was trying to put her left arm around my shoulder and lift her by the waist with my other hand. I don't know how I managed to bring her back to the tent, about three meters away. I placed her on the inflatable mattress and covered her. She was beginning to come to. I asked her if she wanted me to call an ambulance. She said OK. I told her I was going across the road to look for her aunt Mary and Glenn, her husband to ask them for help. they came and after a while, Jan felt a bit better and decided to stay. She really wanted to be part of the wedding ceremony. I don't know where she found the strength, but she got dressed and we attended the ceremony. Jan was leaning against my shoulder all the time, unable to stand by herself, and at lunch time she took a nap on one of the picnic benches.
What marked a new beginning for her Dad was marked for me with a reminder that I have a long road full of uncertainty and illness ahead of me.
I went camping with Jan on Sep 12, to be at John and Carol's wedding. This was happening at a camp next to Bass Lake. John, Jan's Dad, is in his early seventies, but that was of no significance for him and his bride to be to married at the beach in picnic shelter at Camp Lake Bass. Beautiful setting, but I had only seen young people do this back in the 1960s. Anyway, maybe this was for them a trip to the "good'old" days. Kind'a romantic, in a way.
We pulled into the camp Friday night, and with some difficulty, and lots of help from Jan and Mom, I was able to set the tent and get the things ready for the night. I could not find the matches to start the fire, so we went to Dad's camping place to share the warmth around the fire. After a while, we went back to our camping spot and started our attempt at having a reasonable night's sleep. It didn't work. I didn't have a pillow, so, I could nor find the right position to fall asleep. Turned and turned until I lost consciousness. Jan got chilled all through the night, in spite of lots of blankets and sleeping bags. Not a good sleep for both.
In the morning, feeling damp and smelly, I wanted to take a shower. Jan knew where the showers were but could not tell me, she was having problems with her speech. Jan has been camping in this park since she was little. With no more directions that "follow the path" (I noticed that there were more than a dozen paths), I went on in my adventure. It was around 8am. and Jan looked tired, not having slept well. It took me about a half hour to find the showers, and then, I quickly used a very wet and impractical shower room. Even though my clothes were hanging on a hook on the wall, the got wet. I put on my soggy clothes and found my way back.
When I arrived at the camp site I found Jan on the ground under the cherry tree in front of the car. She was semi-unconscious laying on her right side. I knew immediately that she had had a seizure while I was gone. I felt upset with myself for leaving her alone. If I had been here... but I know well that nothing would have been different, except that we may have had a chance to go back to the tent before the onset of the seizure. She was grunting. How quickly dignity and propriety dissapear in these circumstances. I Took her head and placed it in my left arm while I was trying to put her left arm around my shoulder and lift her by the waist with my other hand. I don't know how I managed to bring her back to the tent, about three meters away. I placed her on the inflatable mattress and covered her. She was beginning to come to. I asked her if she wanted me to call an ambulance. She said OK. I told her I was going across the road to look for her aunt Mary and Glenn, her husband to ask them for help. they came and after a while, Jan felt a bit better and decided to stay. She really wanted to be part of the wedding ceremony. I don't know where she found the strength, but she got dressed and we attended the ceremony. Jan was leaning against my shoulder all the time, unable to stand by herself, and at lunch time she took a nap on one of the picnic benches.
What marked a new beginning for her Dad was marked for me with a reminder that I have a long road full of uncertainty and illness ahead of me.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
shifting
I don't know were I lost the grip and skidded onto this dark alley. I am not sure what is the feeling that I see bubbling on the surface of my consciousness, raw, sour, antithetical to the dream I had been carrying on my backpack. I am at a loss to explain what was lost, and what is the same after the "great catastrophe". So, I just sat this evening in my backyard, feeling alone in a long time, looking at a sunset that somehow was telling me to hold onto the memories of the bright moments, the commitments, the laughter, and do away with the gloomy thoughts that kept clouding my heart.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
the question of wellness
what is wellness?
For almost four years, I have struggled with this basic question. I realize that my struggle has less to do with the physiological variables of this equation than with the ontological, or even with the theological ones.
Am I well (or well-off) if I possess material things? Is it true that the wealthier I am, the happier I am? This is one of the few persistent myths of all time. However, in spite of the ample evidence that wealth does not bring happiness, that those who have a lot, also suffer a lot, in particular of the rich's -paranoia, the always present suspicion that everyone else is after their possessions, and the inability to build trust because of the underlying paranoia. Most, and I include myself in this, continue dreaming that if only I won the lottery, if I had plenty of money, then, I would... as the song says: "if I had a million dollars, I would buy you a dress..."
So, being well-off may also mean being cut-off from the others, unable to relate freely and trust totally. That which is supposed to bring me freedom ends being the prison that isolates me from the rest.
This is the irony, most likely well-off means being off-well, whatever wellness means.
Am I well if my body is healthy? that is, I have no illness of any kind?
I don't think I am just because I think. I don't think I am well just because I declare it so. Rather, I think I am because I can love, relate, believe, and I am well only because I
For the allopathic doctors (most of the health system in Canada), Jan would be well if she could agree to take the medications they have prescribed to control unwanted disorders. They agree that controlling the symptoms is not a definitive solution, but in a system where they agree to be basically "pill pushers", there is little they can do to search for therapies that would help Jan develop the functions that were most affected by the aneurysm.
Rehab for Jan, covered by our health care system, meant speech, physical and occupational therapies for 2 months as an in-patient and 4 more months as an out-patient. That's it. After that, any therapy she wanted to receive would be out-of-pocket. So she is not well because she is not well-off, but would she be well if money was not the issue?
Maybe not.
For almost four years, I have struggled with this basic question. I realize that my struggle has less to do with the physiological variables of this equation than with the ontological, or even with the theological ones.
Am I well (or well-off) if I possess material things? Is it true that the wealthier I am, the happier I am? This is one of the few persistent myths of all time. However, in spite of the ample evidence that wealth does not bring happiness, that those who have a lot, also suffer a lot, in particular of the rich's -paranoia, the always present suspicion that everyone else is after their possessions, and the inability to build trust because of the underlying paranoia. Most, and I include myself in this, continue dreaming that if only I won the lottery, if I had plenty of money, then, I would... as the song says: "if I had a million dollars, I would buy you a dress..."
So, being well-off may also mean being cut-off from the others, unable to relate freely and trust totally. That which is supposed to bring me freedom ends being the prison that isolates me from the rest.
This is the irony, most likely well-off means being off-well, whatever wellness means.
Am I well if my body is healthy? that is, I have no illness of any kind?
I don't think I am just because I think. I don't think I am well just because I declare it so. Rather, I think I am because I can love, relate, believe, and I am well only because I
For the allopathic doctors (most of the health system in Canada), Jan would be well if she could agree to take the medications they have prescribed to control unwanted disorders. They agree that controlling the symptoms is not a definitive solution, but in a system where they agree to be basically "pill pushers", there is little they can do to search for therapies that would help Jan develop the functions that were most affected by the aneurysm.
Rehab for Jan, covered by our health care system, meant speech, physical and occupational therapies for 2 months as an in-patient and 4 more months as an out-patient. That's it. After that, any therapy she wanted to receive would be out-of-pocket. So she is not well because she is not well-off, but would she be well if money was not the issue?
Maybe not.
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