Monday, October 26, 2009


On Saturday Jan went to the emergency room because of symptoms that indicated a re-occurrence of a retinal detachment. If this is not treated quickly, it can lead to total blindness. This was sufficient warning to make the decision. The choice was to go to the hospital or to go to a conference from a famous doctor who had also an aneurysm years ago and was able to recuperate most of the functions she lost.

I am in a tight corner wondering what will I do if Jan becomes blind. As is, the caregiving is large and costly in more ways than financial. I can't even picture what would I do if this were to happen. For the first time I feel that I have run out of the capacity to visualize the future...

Yet, the commitment to stay and support this woman that is beginning to look like a total stranger to me, is still there. However, I struggle with unanswered questions and divided emotions. I wonder whether I am wading close to the edge of myself, and if I continue in the same direction, I will find myself in nothing else than a void. I feel I have aged a century in only four years.

I know I am not alone in this. I know this is where faith is supposed to work. I know that many people support in silent prayer and those who lack the prayer wire, send positive thoughts. I know I am disappointed more with myself and my expectations about how all this should work rather than with others and God. I know I am walking on water deep inside an unknown ocean of pain and uncertainty. I know. But this is not much comfort in the middle of this, my personal tsunami.


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