Dear Jan,
I don't know if anyone other than me reads this blog anymore. The first intention was to keep everyone informed about your status right after the aneurysm. That was many months ago, when your life was a question in our hearts. Then as the days passed, people wanted to follow your progress, so I kept writing this blog. At some point, when I realized that you would not remember many of the events that followed, I decided to write these notes addressed to you so you would have a memory in the future of the months, the struggles, the hopes and the steps you have taken so far. One day, I hope you will read these lines and you will be grateful to be a survivor of an aneurysm.
Much has been written, much has been left out. The blog wanted to reflect on the complexity of life made more complex with a near-death event. Some days I just can’t write because of the pain to see you struggling with a lazy right side and the broken words. I look up and I am tempted to ask why? Then, in silence I wait for the comfort promised by our Friend. Other times, I feel hopeful when you show progress, then I realize how little are the little things that can make us happy. We learn, we pray, we argue, we become impatient, we forgive, and we continue loving each other in this dark back alley we have been walking. But, there is light, there is hope, there is song, and above all, there is peace and the certainty that somehow this is leading us to be closer to the Master.
One day, when you read these lines, you will read the memories of our joint path in this inexplicable living parable that we have been asked to write. True, they are written only by one of us, I wonder what they would be like if you were writing them, probably more frank and brutally honest. But I am going on limb here. I have never before exposed my private thoughts and pain as I have done here. So, I believe that even if this is my take on this story, it is as honest as a thickheaded, insensitive, one-dimensional, self-centered, one-track-mind man can do.
Fede
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Quiet time
Dear Jan:
Although you have quite a bit of time surrounded by silence, the time you are taking this weekend to visit your sister is a time for quiet of a different kind. With five kids around, her house is not quiet, however, there is a certain tranquility, a certain ease and peace that you can feel as soon as we entered the door. It could be the freedom to be yourself or the open arms policy they have, I don't know for sure, but one thing is for certain: you and your sister do have a profound bond that requires little communication to be activated.
It was Louise's 29th (and holding) b'day. Warm, happy, hearthy. They love hosting and the guests love the food and the attentions. Your sister was radiant and beautiful, happy to be surrounded by the family. I think this is the first time I didn't feel like an outsider. We talked about moves and family plans. It is clear we are the "sandwich" generation, looking after Mom's business and looking after the next generation. How strange! It feels like it was only a few years back when I used to go to my grandma's home every Sunday to meet with the whole family...now living in exile in this country, your family has become my definition of family.
You are so loved and very much a part of the Walton clan. I am glad to have been adopted by all of them. I wonder what role they play in your healing... everything is connected to an emotional base, and this is one of the strongest basis you have.
Fede
Although you have quite a bit of time surrounded by silence, the time you are taking this weekend to visit your sister is a time for quiet of a different kind. With five kids around, her house is not quiet, however, there is a certain tranquility, a certain ease and peace that you can feel as soon as we entered the door. It could be the freedom to be yourself or the open arms policy they have, I don't know for sure, but one thing is for certain: you and your sister do have a profound bond that requires little communication to be activated.
It was Louise's 29th (and holding) b'day. Warm, happy, hearthy. They love hosting and the guests love the food and the attentions. Your sister was radiant and beautiful, happy to be surrounded by the family. I think this is the first time I didn't feel like an outsider. We talked about moves and family plans. It is clear we are the "sandwich" generation, looking after Mom's business and looking after the next generation. How strange! It feels like it was only a few years back when I used to go to my grandma's home every Sunday to meet with the whole family...now living in exile in this country, your family has become my definition of family.
You are so loved and very much a part of the Walton clan. I am glad to have been adopted by all of them. I wonder what role they play in your healing... everything is connected to an emotional base, and this is one of the strongest basis you have.
Fede
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Broken words
Dear Jan,
Under normal circumstances a relationship between a man and a woman is difficult to say the least. As a man I have been told by women that I am not a good listener, that I am selfish, that I am insensitive, that I don't keep my word, that I don't understand what she wants at any given time and that if I understand, I pretend I didn't, that I don't help, that I don't really listen, that I am disconnected from my feelings, that I am a user, and so forth. There is some truth in all of this, but there is a great deal of misunderstanding as well.
Do you remember when we were married only for a couple of months under what everyone could call "normal circumstances"? We had decided that to ensure that we would not fall into the incommunication nightmares many couples experience; we were going to read together the book Secrets to Lasting Love, by G. Smalley and put into practice some of the basic rules of conversation suggested in the book. Well, we didn't quite make it past the fourth chapter before your aneurysm, but I did learn some valuable principles that kept me going during that time. We were learning the basis for our journey into a deeper, more intimate communication that would allow us to really understand each other and provide a strong foundation for our life as a couple. Eight months later and one year after our wedding I realize that some of those principles were useful under normal circumstances, however, our circumstances are all but normal.
Lately the Aphasia you are struggling with has found a way to get under our skins, and the level of frustration has risen. Not only you can't communicate your ideas fast and clear as they come to your mind, but also your feelings seem to come out scrambled and in pieces. Your sensitivity is heightened to the modulation of voice, to volume, to expressions; when fatigue comes to you, it also affects language and communicatoin, and at times, I find myself in the dog house without really knowing what happened, what did I do to cause your frustration or sadness. It feels like the normal complications in the communication within a couple are multiplied dozens of times. And so, feeling guilty, frustrated, and missunderstood, I question if I really learned anything from our early readings; if I am listening to the facts and beyond, to your feelings and needs. The conflict seems to come faster than it should and without any warning.
Nonetheless, every time I am surprised at the resilience of the love in both of us that started this relationship, and at that misterious healing that occurs when we set our concerns and expectations aside and really hear each other's feelings and needs. Your convalescence imposes more understanding from my part. I was told early at the hospital not to take attacks or rejection from you as something personal, but to see it as the "injury" talking its pain out. At first, it was very difficult to do this, but I would pick the shattered pieces of my sensitive self off the pavement and I would come back with a fresh mind and no grudges. I learned to hear you beyond the words; to hear your needs and your feelings. This was sufficient ground upon which I could stand and from which I could embrace you again and again.
I still use the same approach, but it doesn't work always. Sometimes we both end up crushed by the broken words from your Aphasia and the broken words from my emotional incompetence.
We continue loving each other because we both believe in the divine source and nature of any kind of love and we both share a sense of call to love eah other. It is perhaps the intentionality of our love, the determination beyond-reason to extend each other grace time and time again what keeps us together more than anything else. Broken words can only break communication and broken communication breaks relationships. Some friends have told me that when they were broken and in need their partners left them. I suppose they expected that I would do the same. But here I am, still at your side and inexplicably loving you each day more.
Thank you Jan for helping me to patch my broken emotions as I help you patch your words.
Fede
Under normal circumstances a relationship between a man and a woman is difficult to say the least. As a man I have been told by women that I am not a good listener, that I am selfish, that I am insensitive, that I don't keep my word, that I don't understand what she wants at any given time and that if I understand, I pretend I didn't, that I don't help, that I don't really listen, that I am disconnected from my feelings, that I am a user, and so forth. There is some truth in all of this, but there is a great deal of misunderstanding as well.
Do you remember when we were married only for a couple of months under what everyone could call "normal circumstances"? We had decided that to ensure that we would not fall into the incommunication nightmares many couples experience; we were going to read together the book Secrets to Lasting Love, by G. Smalley and put into practice some of the basic rules of conversation suggested in the book. Well, we didn't quite make it past the fourth chapter before your aneurysm, but I did learn some valuable principles that kept me going during that time. We were learning the basis for our journey into a deeper, more intimate communication that would allow us to really understand each other and provide a strong foundation for our life as a couple. Eight months later and one year after our wedding I realize that some of those principles were useful under normal circumstances, however, our circumstances are all but normal.
Lately the Aphasia you are struggling with has found a way to get under our skins, and the level of frustration has risen. Not only you can't communicate your ideas fast and clear as they come to your mind, but also your feelings seem to come out scrambled and in pieces. Your sensitivity is heightened to the modulation of voice, to volume, to expressions; when fatigue comes to you, it also affects language and communicatoin, and at times, I find myself in the dog house without really knowing what happened, what did I do to cause your frustration or sadness. It feels like the normal complications in the communication within a couple are multiplied dozens of times. And so, feeling guilty, frustrated, and missunderstood, I question if I really learned anything from our early readings; if I am listening to the facts and beyond, to your feelings and needs. The conflict seems to come faster than it should and without any warning.
Nonetheless, every time I am surprised at the resilience of the love in both of us that started this relationship, and at that misterious healing that occurs when we set our concerns and expectations aside and really hear each other's feelings and needs. Your convalescence imposes more understanding from my part. I was told early at the hospital not to take attacks or rejection from you as something personal, but to see it as the "injury" talking its pain out. At first, it was very difficult to do this, but I would pick the shattered pieces of my sensitive self off the pavement and I would come back with a fresh mind and no grudges. I learned to hear you beyond the words; to hear your needs and your feelings. This was sufficient ground upon which I could stand and from which I could embrace you again and again.
I still use the same approach, but it doesn't work always. Sometimes we both end up crushed by the broken words from your Aphasia and the broken words from my emotional incompetence.
We continue loving each other because we both believe in the divine source and nature of any kind of love and we both share a sense of call to love eah other. It is perhaps the intentionality of our love, the determination beyond-reason to extend each other grace time and time again what keeps us together more than anything else. Broken words can only break communication and broken communication breaks relationships. Some friends have told me that when they were broken and in need their partners left them. I suppose they expected that I would do the same. But here I am, still at your side and inexplicably loving you each day more.
Thank you Jan for helping me to patch my broken emotions as I help you patch your words.
Fede
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Anniversary
Dear Jan:
It's been a while since the last blog. No excuses, because we have spent a lot of time together in the past two weeks. I cannot say that life with you boring or dull, on the contrary, since I met you, I receive everyday with expectation and the certainty that you will not let me go empty-handed without some form of adventure or excitement for the day.
One major event this week was that on September 17, we celebrated the first anniversay of our wedding! Steve and Sue took us to the Old Mill, a beautiful restaurant in the west. It's hard to believe that one year has passed. My perception of time feels off because of the time spent in the hospital. But here we are! Only one year and with so much learned. I reafffirm in my heart that you are the best blessing in my life. I celebrate your character that does not give up in front of adversity. I embrace your love for life and for me. I dance of joy for the strength of your faith which is the way you love your Master, I delight in the love of our families and friends. One year with you has taught me so much about life and death, pain and hope, and above all about the power of love. I look forward to the future knowing that you will be by my side, always ready to fill my days with adventure and life.
I love you Jan. I am glad you said yes a year ago.
Fede
It's been a while since the last blog. No excuses, because we have spent a lot of time together in the past two weeks. I cannot say that life with you boring or dull, on the contrary, since I met you, I receive everyday with expectation and the certainty that you will not let me go empty-handed without some form of adventure or excitement for the day.
One major event this week was that on September 17, we celebrated the first anniversay of our wedding! Steve and Sue took us to the Old Mill, a beautiful restaurant in the west. It's hard to believe that one year has passed. My perception of time feels off because of the time spent in the hospital. But here we are! Only one year and with so much learned. I reafffirm in my heart that you are the best blessing in my life. I celebrate your character that does not give up in front of adversity. I embrace your love for life and for me. I dance of joy for the strength of your faith which is the way you love your Master, I delight in the love of our families and friends. One year with you has taught me so much about life and death, pain and hope, and above all about the power of love. I look forward to the future knowing that you will be by my side, always ready to fill my days with adventure and life.
I love you Jan. I am glad you said yes a year ago.
Fede
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
