Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Memoirs of a Survivor

Dear Jan,

I don't know if anyone other than me reads this blog anymore. The first intention was to keep everyone informed about your status right after the aneurysm. That was many months ago, when your life was a question in our hearts. Then as the days passed, people wanted to follow your progress, so I kept writing this blog. At some point, when I realized that you would not remember many of the events that followed, I decided to write these notes addressed to you so you would have a memory in the future of the months, the struggles, the hopes and the steps you have taken so far. One day, I hope you will read these lines and you will be grateful to be a survivor of an aneurysm.

Much has been written, much has been left out. The blog wanted to reflect on the complexity of life made more complex with a near-death event. Some days I just can’t write because of the pain to see you struggling with a lazy right side and the broken words. I look up and I am tempted to ask why? Then, in silence I wait for the comfort promised by our Friend. Other times, I feel hopeful when you show progress, then I realize how little are the little things that can make us happy. We learn, we pray, we argue, we become impatient, we forgive, and we continue loving each other in this dark back alley we have been walking. But, there is light, there is hope, there is song, and above all, there is peace and the certainty that somehow this is leading us to be closer to the Master.

One day, when you read these lines, you will read the memories of our joint path in this inexplicable living parable that we have been asked to write. True, they are written only by one of us, I wonder what they would be like if you were writing them, probably more frank and brutally honest. But I am going on limb here. I have never before exposed my private thoughts and pain as I have done here. So, I believe that even if this is my take on this story, it is as honest as a thickheaded, insensitive, one-dimensional, self-centered, one-track-mind man can do.



Ret said...

I still read this blog every day and I am always praying for you!

Good news! Dave is home from the hospital. It will still be a few months yet until he can go back to work and a nurse has to change the bandage on his leg twice a day but it is good to have him back at home.

I'm sure Fede was happy to have you home when it was time for you to leave the hospital. Such changes bring new challenges in life and create demands that weren't there before, but God has given us the strength to get through these times and He will continue to prove Himself faithful even when we don't understand why He allows such things.

We can take great comfort in knowing that his strength is made perfect in our weakness.

Paul from Oregon said...

I read this blog almost every day to find out more about Jan's progress and how you are both coping with the problems that arise. I rarely comment, but I check often to find out whats new.

Love to Jan. I'm sad that I live so far away now and can't just drop by for a visit.


orestn said...

I still look for updates to your blog, and I appreciate what you share in these pages. You write "there is light, there is hope, there is song" - there literally is song, inspired by something you wrote a couple of months ago. You can visit Heart Like a River for an update on how that is going.

The other day I was speaking with a man who survived an aneurysm several years ago and has rebuilt his life. So there is hope.

I'm sure there are many times when you don't feel this way - but you are not alone.

Julia_A said...

I still read the blog too - I check almost daily and appreciate all of you updates Fede!

FC said...

Thanks guys for the feedback. It is encouraging to know that there are "others" still out there in the ethernet thinking of Jan.

sharon said...

Dear Fede,

I too read your blogs every couple of days or so, sometime every other day. I continue to pray for Jan & yourself & you both are in my heart & spirit.

Fede I am inspired by your patience. I know it is not easy. But I trust provides you with the drive to keep up the awesome love you have for jan & give you the wisdom & determination to move forward through each day with grace.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and updates as I care about jan so much.