Overwhelmed

Dear Jan,

I am glad we will be out of town for the weekend speding time with your family. After the mayhem of the pre-move and post-move days, I hope this is a time for quiet and relaxation.

In this brief blog I wanted to chat with you about two things:

I am amazed at the endless generosity to give and help humans have. I am sure it is a sign of the "figerprints" of God in us. The "Jan" patrol has tirelessly shown so much love and given so much support, that could last for a lifetime. It is because they love you and me, it is because they are convinced that loving us expresses the love they are mandated to pass-on. Love that is hoarded, becomes stagnant and looks more like selfishness. But your friends and mine never cease to amaze me with their generosity. There is always that iridescent quality in all of them when they go the extra mile. I know you feel loved, in spite of those moments when you would rather be left alone. We realize that this is part of the healing process. But I see that, against your own sense of independence, you extend grace to our friends and allow them to serve you by receiving they offers to help. In doing this you give them a chance to express in practical ways their love.

I know you are going to a tremendously difficult time in the healing process. I see you struggling with sadness, frustration with yourself and with those close to you, isolation and loneliness. Sometimes it looks like depression, but you have assured me that you are not depressed. Sometimes the pain in your brain is too much and you cry. Sometimes the smallest exercise zaps all of your energy, a task like walking 50 meters, which most of us take for granted, to you this represents the equivalent to climbing a huge mountain. Fatigue is something you will be struggling with for a long time, and it frustrates you immensely, because you are an action woman. Most of those who have spent some time around you latetly have had the chance to see you "clicking off".

Sometimes I would like to trade places with you, give you some of my own energy, help you do the things you are doing. It is the only practical way I can imagine would relieve your burden. However, occasionally this just backfires and in an attempt to defend the little independence you have, you reject the help, leaving with mixed feelings those who are trying to help. I make the efort to remain aware that when you cry or when you say no to my offer to help, or when you ask me to leave you alone, it is really the injury talking to me and not your heart or your mind, but on occasion I lose concentration and feel rejected. Later we have to mend the fences and continue in this roller coaster that is your healing.

I know and you are well aware that love is not the issue. We love each other expansively. It is the feelings that are triggered when we push each other's sensitive "buttons" what gives us grief. I thank you for your patience and your love. I feel aknowledged also by you. When the days are dark and the feelings get heavy is when we both need more strength and grace. I know that many people are praying for your rehabilitation, I hope they also pray for an extra share of God's help when the day to day going and coming and the grief that goes with it. This is really their ultimate service of love for you and me.

Let's have fun this weekend, and hope all of our friends do the same!

-Fede