Friday, August 04, 2006

Wounded

Dearest Jan,

Everytime I think we are making progress, I have to brace myself, because, often you or I will slip into doubt, sadness or pain, or just plain depression. This is a dialectic path -opposite ideas engaging in the search for truth-. But, the truth is not found in the ideas themselves or in their resolution. The truth of our trusting and then doubting; rejoicing and then grieving; is external to us both, it is hidden in the hands of God, the very same hands on which our lives and their meaning are carved.

The verb "see" in Hebrew, is the same as "experience". I see His work in your body, how in the hidden parts of your brain, quietly He is reconstructing new paths, reconnecting ideas to words, writing new neuro-programs so your mouth expresses these words. Above all, I can see the changes in your personality and spirituality, although I can't really understand the extent of them. I see the effects of what you experience. I experience the new Jan, sometimes with glee, sometimes with gloom. Seeing your progress leads me to a new level of seeing or experiencing God. For this, I am grateful even in the middle of the pain I feel when I see you suffering.

However, we both are wounded.

The truth is that we have been streched to our limits beyond the breaking point. The truth is that we have received strength to persevere. The truth is that this tremendous challenge has made us grow. True, in a paradoxical way we are blessed. But all these truths do not diminish in the least the pain we feel constantly. It is like the "Ilizarov" device used to grow bones, that keep "breaking" the bone millimitre by millimitre, to force it to grow.

Yesterday you were grieving your losses: you can't write, you can't read, you can't talk as before. You were feeling that your life was going to be short.

I listened carefully, feeling the pain of every word. I tried in vain to comfort you.

You said: "What good is it to live like this? I'm not good here anymore!" But you also said: "I know that He's been right next to me all this time. Maybe He just wants me to go to His real world".

What could I say? No, please don't leave me. Surely, God doesn't want that!

Instead, I just put my hand on your good arm, and with sadness in my eyes, I remained silent by your side.



-Fede

2 comments:

Linda Ruth said...

Dearest Fede and Jan,

From Oswald Chambers' entry for today, August 5:

"God called Jesus Christ to what semed absolute disaster. And Jesus Christ called His disciples to see Him put to death, leading every one of them to the place where their hearts were broken. His life was an absolute failure from every standpoint's except God's. But what seemed to be failure from man's standpoint was a triumph from God's standpoint, because God's purpose is never the same as man's purpose. This bewildering call of God comes into our lives as well." ... [too long to write the whole thing, but please do read!]

Fede and Jan, you are living this. You are living the bewildering call of God. You are disciples. This world is as much the real world of God (after all, He created it) as heaven. Our challenge and our call here is to participate — by faith, by prayer, by our lives — in the in-breaking of the kingdom of God, the kingdom of heaven, into this age and this earth.

As I write this, I'm listening to Robin Mark, "Revival in Belfast":

"All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands" (Jesus All for Jesus)

"When it's all been said and done,
There is just one thing that matters:
Did I do my best to live for truth?
Did I live my life for You?" (When It's All Been Said and Done)

Blessed are you that mourn, my dear friends, for you shall be comforted. May the God of all comfort gather you both, dearest Jan and Fede, into His everlasting arms and give You peace.

Much, much love,
Linda Ruth

Ret said...

God still wants to heal you. It will happen. Don't give up. You've come a long way since that first time I saw you in the hospital. I am praying that a year from now this will all seem like it had just been a dream. I am believing God will reward you a recompense for your patiecnce and give you double for your trouble. It's hard to understand why he allowed this to happen. We just have to believe that in His perfect timing you will see His blessings abound in your life and bring forth a season of reaping and rejoicing.

You've always been someone I could count on for encouragement. Now it's my turn to try to be an encouragement to you. Meanwhile God just wants you to trust Him and believe. I know it's hard sometimes...

Just think of the awesome testimony you'll have when you are fully restored. Meanwhile I am praying for God to show you ways to make the journey more palatable. Remeber the friends who love you and are always here for you, including me.
*hugs* 'Ret