Saturday, June 03, 2006

Rainy day

It rained the whole day inside and outside. Today was a difficult day for both of us Janita. All your senses seem to be heightened as a consequence of the operation last week. Your skin was already over-sensitive on your right side; I notice that your taste is somewhat affected; you prefer soft light to bright; and today even loud sounds were a major issue. You woke up with low energy and a very garbled speech. Trying to clarify what you needed or what you were saying, I asked you several times the same question and you took it as an angry response. Trying then to explain that I was not angry made it just worse and got you into a crying mode. I felt rotten for not being able to communicate with you even in the most essential things and for being the cause for you being upset. We had breakfast in silence, then while washing dishes, you asked me why was I so angry... I was very tentative trying to explain my feelings of frustration with the situation rather than with you, but it just didn't work. You went to sleep in the sofa until noon. We did some chores together and had lunch. In the afternoon I invited you to go food shopping, you agreed happily. The store was a zoo. We went through the fruit and vegetable sections before you got dizzy and ran out of gas. I tried buying some chocolate milk for you without much luck, then, while explaining why we could not have the drink, you began crying loud. I took you to the car and as an apology I told you that I was sorry for bringing you to this busy place, "you are not ready yet" I said. You cried harder and kept telling me that I was angry. The store is a few blocks from home but it felt like an eternity. I was worried the crying could cause trouble in your head. I stopped at the corner store for some chocolate milk. At home you went back to sleep for a short time. Omar arrived mid-afternoon. After a while, I put a video on for you and went to buy some food, this time alone. The nurse came to change your bandages while I was gone. We talked for a long time about what had happened, your speech was clearer. It was a fascinating conversation with a lot of depth. Once you understood my intentions this morning, you were OK. We prepared dinner together; you loved the fried zucchini and the potatoes, not so much the pork chop. We continued watching the Fiddler on the Roof with a lot of commentary on the Old Testament from your part and went to bed at 9:15pm. You were really tired, the emotions of the day had drained most of your energy.

In the movie, Topol's world of traditions collapses; the way he expects life to happen goes through his fingers like water. At one point he looks up and ask why? I couldn't help feeling the same today, many times I asked: why? and felt emotionally very tired. I wished that like Topol and his friends, I too could just roll with the punches and keep moving forward, without letting bitterness or sadness take root in my heart.
Fede

4 comments:

Ret said...

I know how you feel. Sometimes my Asperger's Syndrome makes everyday chores a living hell for me, especially grocery shopping! I NEVER shop on Saturdays anymore and my first four days of school were a zoo because of all the noise! I've become increasingly sensitive to noise and overstimuli in recent years and have had to learn to pace myself in order to cope but meltdowns still sneak up on me.
Your sensory issues have likely been due to your surgery but I can relate. Has the transition been more abrupt for you?
Lately a lot of my "Ewetopia" cartoons have graphically illustrated how certain noises make me feel these days. NO doubt you'd probably identify with these poor sheep!

sharon said...

Dear Jan and Fede,

I hope you got my email which I sent today to Jan_get_well@yahoo.ca to request Jan' home number & address as I lost my address book with Jan's and others numbers. I am available on Wed and Fri this week from 10:00am to 5:00am to visit Jan or help with chores, go shopping with her or just visit with her while her caretaker ie you or whoever wants a break. Please call me with her number & how I can help. I provided my phone number in the email. I do not have much access to email this week or phoning me and leaving a message with a return phone number is the best.

Fede, thanks for the update. I admire the communication and the grace that Jan and you eventually resolved the issues that come up. I know in the moment it can be challenging to gracefully and patiently deal with what seems like everything thing at one. I know your intentions are geniuine and once the heat cools down things get better. I am inspire that how much your marriage with Jan has strengthened in the last couple months & I know it can only get stronger with everything you have been through.

I miss Jan and look forward to seeing her soon!

LOve
Sharon

FC said...

Thanks Sharon, your time is much appreciated. Wed and Fri would be terrific. Please call 416 224 8333 to get more information.

Fede

FC said...

Thanks for your generous offer of time. Wed and Fri would be terrific. Please call me to arrange details 416 224 8333.
Fede